MY GRIEF OBSERVED

November 21, 2019 my life was turned upside down. You will never understand it until it happens to you.
My fiancé, died. I watched his face as his life left his body. I gave him CPR and he still died. The medical professionals did everything they could and he still died...I prayed and he still died. 
While at times it feels like yesterday I can’t help but feel like this has been an enternity. I feel like I’ve already lived a lifetime of loss. Yet, apparently I still have a lifetime ahead of me. At least that’s what I thought Will and I had together. 
C.S Lewis describes loosing the love of your life like loosing your leg...I feel like I’ve lost both. Sure, maybe in this new year I’ll learn how to live in a wheelchair. Maybe the physical pain of loosing my legs will go away eventually. My life will continue...But it will never be the same.
This shouldn’t have happened. I’m angry. People don’t know how to deal with a person in grief. They end up saying shitty and useless things that result in more hurt and pain. But I’m so numb at this point that I don’t care anymore. It has become so easy to just dismiss the people around me. None of them seem to matter anymore.
I feel like I can’t function. I’ve quit my job. I’ve quit my school. Getting dressed and out of bed seems a miracle some days. 
There are so many things I want to say but I can’t seem to find the words. There are no words that can describe this pain; this sorrow; this trauma. 
Thankfully I believe that art speaks when words are unable to explain.
I’ve done a lot of drawing and painting in order to process and communicate this experience and I plan to share this through multiple platforms and shows for the rest of my life because grief never goes away. 

 

I dedicate the rest of my work to William Strong. The greatest supporter of my art. I love you my darling.